


Just Because I Want It (Doesn't Mean I'm Gonna Get It)

by kee



Series: JOB 'verse [5]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-17
Updated: 2012-03-17
Packaged: 2017-11-02 02:26:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/363983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kee/pseuds/kee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared may be falling in love, but Jensen fell a long time ago.  A glimpse into Jensen's head during the events of <i>just one breath<i>.</i></i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Just Because I Want It (Doesn't Mean I'm Gonna Get It)

**Author's Note:**

> For joans23.

Jensen leaves Texas for California with his momma’s tears drying on his shoulder and his father’s advice ringing in his ears.

“Be ready to get knocked down a time or two, son. Be ready to get back up.”

It’s not that he doesn’t take his dad’s words to heart, but Jensen’s eighteen. He’s got a development deal with NBC in his pocket and a paying job waiting in L.A. He has a marketable look and the sort of blind confidence that only inexperience can bring. This role on the soap is only the beginning. Jensen’s sure he’s going to be one of the lucky ones.

≈≈≈≈≈≈

It doesn’t quite work out that way.

A couple of years later, he’s still playing Eric Brady. He has a solid fan base and an Emmy nomination, but he feels as if he’s running in place. The pace of filming a daily show is challenging, but the character? Not so much. He knows he can do more, be more. He respects the veteran actors, the ones that have been on the show for almost as long as he’s been alive. But he doesn’t want to be one of them. It would be so easy to fall into that life, steady work and a comfortable paycheck, but he didn’t become an actor to live in the same character for twenty years. He doesn’t want to tell the same story over and over.

Leaving _Days of Our Lives_ is a little like leaving Texas, a few tears and a lot of advice. There’s even a cake that reads “Good Luck, Jensen.” It’s not that he isn’t grateful, but his belief in luck isn't so strong anymore.

The uncertainty of the audition process takes some getting used to. Pilot season is a whirl of cold reads and high hopes. For every producer or casting director who likes him for his pretty face, there are at least three others who can’t see past it.

He gets knocked down. He gets back up.

Jensen puts his heart and soul into every character he goes up for. He doesn’t know how to be any other way. So, the fifth time he hears, “Thank you, but we’ve decided to go in a different direction” is just as crushing as the first. It starts to wear him down. When he wakes up one morning and doesn’t want to get out of bed, he knows it’s time for a new plan.

He decides the key to minimizing his disappointment is learning to manage his expectations. If he can just condition himself to not want a role so badly, it won’t hurt so much when he doesn’t get it. 

Some might call it cynical.

Jensen prefers the term _realistic_.

≈≈≈≈≈≈

Jensen’s newfound ambivalence pays off. Guest spots lead to recurring characters and he works steadily for the next few years. While his professional life chugs along, his personal life stalls. 

Mix _shy_ and _gay_ and _Hollywood_ together and all you’ve got is a recipe for disaster. His heart never actually gets broken, but it does get knocked around a lot. And the fifth time he hears, “It’s not you, it’s me” is just as crushing as the first.

It doesn’t take him long to adopt the same philosophy for romance he uses for work. Never expect anything and you’ll never be let down. Jensen starts building his walls high and wide.

And yeah, that might be a little cynical.

≈≈≈≈≈≈

He’s filming _Smallville_ in Vancouver when the call comes from David Nutter. There’s a new pilot for the WB and they want to look at him for one of the leads. They offer to fly him down and FedEx him the script. 

It’s called _Supernatural_. It’s some strange mix of _Route 66_ meets _The Nightstalker_ with a little bit of _The X-files_ thrown in. It’s the story of two brothers road tripping across the country, hunting things that go bump in the night while they search for their missing father. He reads for Sam, telling himself all the while he’ll be fine if he doesn’t get it. He ends up getting Dean instead.

He’s more than fine with that.

Jensen’s a little anxious to meet his TV brother. If this thing takes off, they’ll be stuck with each other for God knows how long. Turns out he’s worried for nothing, because when he shakes Jared Padalecki’s hand for the first time, the connection is instant. He just knows that they’re going to be friends, and good ones at that.

They read for the network suits and knock the scene out of the park. The script supervisor gushes over their amazing chemistry. It’s the kind of thing that can’t be manufactured or quantified. It’s like lightning striking. It’s that fucking rare.

Eric is practically bouncing in his seat and even the execs look happy. Jensen’s riding the high of a note perfect performance when Jared grins at him, dimples fully in force.

Jensen feels it like a punch to solar plexus and thinks _oh, shit_. 

Time to shore up the walls.

≈≈≈≈≈≈

Two and a half years and fifty-six episodes later, Jensen’s pretty sure he knows everything there is to know about Jared Padalecki. There’s nothing he doesn’t like. 

Maybe even love

So Jensen’s keeping a secret or two.

≈≈≈≈≈≈

It’s something guys jokingly say to each other all the time, “Yeah, man, I’d take a bullet for you.” Usually, there’s alcohol and some pastime that requires keeping score involved. It’s not something anyone believes they’ll ever have to do. 

When the moment comes for Jensen to put his money where his mouth is, he doesn’t hesitate. He sees the girl, he sees the gun. Thinks _Jared_ and _no_.

He takes a single step to the right.

He knows he’s been shot. He thinks it should hurt, but he can’t feel a thing. He might be on the ground, Jared’s frantic face above him.

Jared might be begging. “Don’t leave me, Jensen. Don’t you fucking leave me.”

Jensen might be bleeding to death.

Or it might just all be a dream.

≈≈≈≈≈≈

He wakes with a tube down his throat and his family gathered around the bed. He wakes up afraid, but he doesn’t know why. 

His mother gently touches his face. “Hey, baby.”

His father opens his mouth and there's a jumble of words. Jensen can only grab hold of about every other one. He hears _hospital_ and _accident_ , and _surgery_ and _fine_. Josh is wearing a tight smile and Mac is crying. He can make out their faces, but everything’s fuzzy around the edges.

And something is missing, something is wrong.

He pulls away from his mother’s hand and tries to sit up, but he’s tied to the bed by tubes and wires. There’s beeping in the background, steadily increasing in frequency as his fear builds. Strangers rush in. His mother’s voice rises and then fades. He can’t see her anymore.

He can’t _breathe_.

“Easy, Jensen. You need to stop fighting the ventilator. You need to relax.”

Jensen doesn’t recognize the voice. He wants to say, “Fuck that, _you_ relax.” Jensen wants up. He wants out. He needs…

There’s a slight commotion at the end of the bed as someone in a white coat is shoved aside. Jensen feels a familiar hand fall on the top of his foot and squeeze.

“Jensen.”

_Jared_. 

Jensen stops straining against the unknown hands and tries to focus on the known. He feels Jared squeeze his foot again, then hold tight. 

“I’m here, Jen. I’m fine.” 

Jensen can hear Jared, but he can’t see him. How can he be sure Jared’s okay if he can’t see it for himself?

As if in answer, Jared is suddenly leaning over the bed. “I’m okay, Jen. She didn’t hurt me. I’m right here.”

Jared is crying despite his smile. Jensen still isn’t quite sure what happened, how he got here, but he knows he needs Jared to stay. He mumbles the word through tubing and tape, gaze desperately locked with Jared’s. Relief sweeps through him when Jared gives a choked laugh. 

“I’m not going anywhere.”

≈≈≈≈≈≈

Jared stays. 

Virtually every time Jensen wakes up for the next three weeks, Jared is there. And even when he isn’t, he’s not far away. Jared becomes a fixture in the chair next to the bed. Jared, who is always in perpetual motion, becomes still and constant at his side, eyes ever and always on Jensen.

Jensen is afraid to believe in what he sees in those eyes.

He hears the full story of the shooting from Kim. Jared can’t talk about it yet and Jensen won’t ask him to try. He hears about the tension filled days that followed from everyone else. His mom makes sure he knows that Jared’s never left the hospital. Mac can’t stop going on about all the ways that Jared’s looked after her. Chris recounts how Sandy was here and then gone.

Jensen can’t stop thinking about what it all means. No matter how ruthlessly he tries to squash the feeling, he can’t stop himself from _hoping_.

≈≈≈≈≈≈

Being the center of attention drives Jensen nuts. One by one, he convinces his loved ones to quit hovering and go back to their real lives. Chris and Steve leave Vancouver first, then Josh and his father. Jensen would encourage his mom and Mac to leave as well if he wasn’t positive the suggestion alone would be enough to break his mother’s heart. 

Jared is the only one whose presence never grates. It’s scary how fast Jensen has come to rely on it. Terrifying to think of what he’ll do when things go back to normal. Because things will inevitably go back. Jared has a life of his own, a fiancée, for Christ’s sake. Jensen has no business expecting anything.

He really should know better by now.

≈≈≈≈≈≈

Ben hasn’t been here five minutes and already Jensen regrets calling him. He’s a nice enough guy. Not exactly a random hook-up, but not exactly relationship material either. And not exactly a rocket scientist. 

Jared’s been gone all afternoon, running errands and checking on the dogs. Jensen’s antsy and bored, missing Jared and not wanting to face up to it. Inviting Ben to visit seemed like a good idea at the time. Now, listening to Ben ramble on about the latest concert he went to Jensen wonders why he bothered and what he ever saw in the guy in the first place. 

Oh, who is he kidding?

Make Ben three inches taller, two years younger, and give him ten more pounds in muscle mass and he could be Jared’s slightly less attractive body-double. Jensen feels more than a little pathetic, just admitting that to himself. It seems so fucking obvious now. He needs to get Ben out of here before Jared comes back. He’s searching for the least hurtful way to ask Ben to go when Jared walks through the door, waving a fast food bag.

_Busted_.

Jensen watches as Jared catches sight of Ben, watches as the smile fades and hazel eyes turn hard and assessing. Jared stops in the center of the room and straightens his shoulders. The body language is all Sam Winchester, bracing for a fight, but the transparency of the emotions racing across his face is pure Jared.

Jensen can read everything Jared is feeling in a single look. The confusion of _who is this guy_ , the clear concern in _are you okay_ , and the fierce protectiveness of _do I need to kick some ass here_? The first makes Jensen want to smile, the second fills him with warmth and the third sends a visceral thrill straight through him.

Although Jensen finds the thought of Jared willing to do battle for him sexy as hell, Ben doesn’t deserve to get pounded just because Jensen picked him as a poor substitute for what he really wants. So, he keeps his tone purposefully light. 

“Jared. ‘Bout time you got here. Is that a cheeseburger I smell?”

“Huh? Yeah. Just the way you like it, no onions, extra bacon.”

The next few minutes are a study in awkwardness. Jensen makes the introductions, Jared manages to be physically intimidating with little apparent effort and Ben demonstrates that he’s not quite as dumb as previously thought by moving very carefully around Jared. And away from Jensen.

Jared’s making noises about leaving and that is so not how this is going to go. Jensen doesn’t waste any time sending Ben on his way.

When they’re alone, Jared paces back and forth for a bit. Jensen doesn’t understand where this agitation is coming from. “He’s just a friend.”

Jared huffs out a breath and finally drops down into his chair. “He looks at you like he wants to fuck you. That’s very _friendly_.” 

Jensen can’t resist the opening. “So many people want to fuck me. So few actually get the opportunity.” 

Jared’s eyes flash with something Jensen’s never seen, and wait a second, is Jared _jealous_?

He is. Jared is jealous of Ben. And that’s just – well, freaking hot is what it is, but it’s also insane. Doesn’t Jared know? Can’t he fucking see?

“He’s not important to me, Jared.” 

Jared manages to look hopeful and doubtful all at once. “He’s not?”

Jensen wants to get up and shake Jared until his brain rattles in his skull. He settles for growling, “How important could he be to me, if you had never heard of him before today? _Think_ about it.”

“Huh.”

Jensen can practically see little thought bubbles drifting over Jared’s head. He hides a smirk and reaches toward the bag Jared’s still clutching. “Hand me my goddamn burger while you’re figuring it out.”

≈≈≈≈≈≈

His mom wants him to go back to Texas to recover. He tells her there’s no reason to leave Vancouver. Truth is, it’s Jared he doesn’t want to leave and they both know it. Jensen could never really hide anything that mattered from his momma. 

She knows how he really feels about Jared. She’s always known, even though he can barely admit it to himself. Even when he’s shoving it away and locking it up in a safe place, his momma still knows. 

And she worries. “I just don’t want you to be disappointed.” 

A month ago, Jensen would have had a flip response. Jensen had Jared’s place in his life firmly set in his mind. Co-star. All around great guy. Best friend. No expectations, no disappointments, right? But now…

Now, there’s no denying what Jared means to him. He’s the person Jensen was willing to die for.

“ _Don’t you leave me, Jensen._ ”

He’s willing to live for him, too.

It’s a runaway train. Too late to stop it. It’s been too late for long time now. Jensen can’t do anything but hold on for the ride. He clears his throat and meets his mother’s concerned eyes. “It’s going to be fine.”

_Please, God, let it be fine_.

≈≈≈≈≈≈

Their first day home, Jensen throws a temper tantrum of epic proportions. All of the physical pain of the last several weeks, all of the frustration of not being able to do and be everything he was before, all of the goddamn _helplessness_ reaches flashpoint out of the blue and Jensen just blows. 

The thud of the urinal hitting the wall is drowned out by Jared shouting his name. 

Jared’s hands are on him before he’s finished doubling over. It’s the only thing that keeps him on his feet. “Jen? Talk to me.”

Jensen can’t breathe for the pain. He buries his face in Jared’s shoulder. “Fuck. It hurts.”

Jared is pulling him close and whispering nonsense in his ear. Jensen’s eyes flood. He’s so tired. And he’s ashamed. Jared has been so good to him, has taken such good care of him. He’s putting up with all of Jensen’s shit and this is how Jensen repays him?

Jared’s voice is thick. “Jen. You can’t keep doing this, man. You have to let me help you. _Please_.”

Jensen wants to. He needs to, but he’s so fucking afraid. If he leans too much on Jared for too long, how will he ever be able to stand on his own when this is over?

Jared’s hand is warm on the nape of his neck and Jensen just lets it all go. He lets his body relax into Jared’s, trusting that Jared won’t let him fall. And Jared doesn’t disappoint. He pulls Jensen closer, arm snug against his back and whispers into the hollow of his shoulder, “Let me take care of you.”

Jensen sighs. “Okay.”

≈≈≈≈≈≈

The next couple of weeks pass in a cycle of DVD marathons, physical therapy sessions and Vicodin induced naps. Jensen makes an effort to not to be a dick about accepting Jared’s help and soon it becomes as natural and easy as anything ever has been between them. 

Jared’s got reservations about them going back to work, but Jensen can’t wait. The morning of their first day, he finds Jared at the kitchen table working his way through a bowl of Cheerios. When Jared reaches out, Jensen hands off his shoes with a slight smile and carefully sits down.

Jared is watching. Jared’s always watching. “You good?”

“Don’t I look good?”

Jared’s eyes sweep him from head to toe and then cut away. If he didn’t know better, he’d swear Jared was embarrassed.

“You’ll do.” Jared scoots his chair back. “Right foot first, pretty boy.”

Jensen smiles. It’s funny how something he’d resented so much at first has become almost a ritual now. Something he enjoys. Something he will miss.

Jared’s head is down and he’s focusing on the shoelaces like a kid with a Rubik’s Cube. Jensen feels a wave of affection. Jared is a good man and a great friend. If they’re never anything more than that, Jensen will still be glad to have him in his life.

“Thank you.” Jensen tries to keep it light, but knows he fails when Jared’s eyes swing up.

“Jen?”

“I haven’t thanked you properly yet. I mean, I say thank you for the small things, but I don’t think you know how grateful I am. And you should.”

There’s a confused crinkle in Jared’s forehead. “What are you talking about?”

When Jensen elaborates, he expects Jared to just shrug it off, that’s how he is. He doesn’t expect the flash of anger or the _Fuck you, Jensen_ as Jared shoves away from the table and stands.

“Excuse me?”

“Seriously. Fuck. You.”

“Jared.”

“No, really. I can’t thank you for saving my life, but you get to thank me for tying your shoes?”

“That’s different.”

“The hell it is.”

“I didn’t think about it, Jared. I just did it. I couldn’t _not_.”

Jared closes his eyes. “I know.”

Jensen still doesn’t quite understand why Jared is so upset, but he wants to do whatever he can to ease it. He struggles to his feet, reaching out even as he moves. When he brushes Jared’s wrist, Jared raises it as if to pull him closer.

A horn blares from the driveway. Jensen stifles his disappointment and steps away. He’s almost to the door when Jared’s quiet words stop him.

“Jensen? Just because I have the time to think about, doesn’t mean I need to. So, it’s not any different at all. Do you understand that?”

But Jensen really doesn’t. Of course, it’s different. Jensen _loves_ Jared.

Unless…

He stands frozen, staring at Jared wide-eyed. If it’s not any different, then that means…

Jensen knows what he wants it to mean. He also knows he rarely gets what he wants.

Jared’s not looking away. He’s meeting his stare head-on, half challenge and half plea, making Jensen shiver.

Maybe it’s not so different after all.

≈≈≈≈≈≈

Falling back into the rhythm of work, of playing Dean to Jared’s Sam, feels like coming home. Something familiar and comforting for Jensen to cling to now that it seems like everything else with Jared is upside-down. 

There’s one bad moment on Monday. Jensen’s going over blocking with Phil when he hears Jared suck in a breath and the clatter of metal hitting concrete. When he looks over, Jared is ghostly pale, staring at a prop gun lying on the ground.

Jensen’s heart breaks a little. Things have been going so well it’s easy to forget how hard this has all been on his friend. Jensen knows that he’s had the easier end of the deal as farfetched as that sounds. He’d much rather be the one in pain than to watch Jared suffer.

Jared has been through just as much as Jensen has. They probably should have thought things through before they put a gun in his hand. Jensen keeps his expression steady and calm as he walks over to Jared and picks up the prop. He takes the time to show Jared that it’s not loaded before handing it back, wrapping his fingers around Jared’s grip on the gun.

“It’s not real, Jay.”

Jared looks lost. “I can’t…”

“You can. I’m here. I’m fine.”

Those are magic words. Jared nods slightly and his breathing starts to ease. Jensen feels the satisfaction of knowing that he was able to take care of Jared for a change.

Jensen floats on that feeling for the rest of the week. He stops guarding his walls so diligently and lets himself believe that things might work out somehow. That loving Jared might not turn out to be the dumbest thing he ever did, because maybe Jared could love him back.

Then Sandy is there with her diamond solitaire and her hand on Jared’s knee.

And Jensen comes crashing down.

≈≈≈≈≈≈

_Idiot_. 

Jensen lets his head fall back against the sofa cushion and mentally lists all the ways he’s been monumentally stupid.

He never should have let himself start hoping for things he can’t have, because once he starts he can’t stop. He shouldn’t have let himself believe for even a second that Jared could feel the same. Jared has Sandy and Sandy has Jared’s ring.

He definitely shouldn’t have let that asshole director back him into a corner and tie him to a chair. Jensen hasn’t hurt this badly since the first days in the hospital.

Shannon is knocking on the trailer door, asking if he’s okay. He’d let her in if he could only get up. Jensen blinks back tears and tries to breathe through the burn in his sternum.

Jared is at dinner with Sandy and Chad. They’re probably to desert by now. They probably split a bottle of wine. Jared ordered the filet, medium-rare of course, and Sandy ordered the fish. Sandy is no doubt gazing at Jared adoringly while Chad smirks from the sidelines.

And Jensen is on the floor of his trailer, not sure what hurts worse – his chest or his heart.

The door swings open and Jared is there, worry in every line of his face. Jensen can’t help the surge of relief or the flare of renewed hope.

_Idiot_.

≈≈≈≈≈≈

When Jared suggests a trip to the E.R., Jensen doesn’t argue. He knows that Vicodin and an ice pack won’t be enough to fix this. He lets Jared worry and even endures the lecture without complaint. He promised Jay he’d be fine and he broke that promise. 

Dr. Brennan admits him for the night. Jensen counts it as a win when he manages to convince Jared to go home with Sandy and Chad. He should have known it wouldn’t be that easy.

When he wakes up, the room is dark and Jared is in the chair next to the bed, eyes focused on Jensen. Ever and always, still and constant by his side.

“Jared?”

“Shhh, Jen. Go back to sleep.”

Jensen doesn’t want to sleep. Jared is here and something is different about him, but Jensen’s too groggy to pin it down. They banter back and forth for a while. When he laughs, he can’t hide a grimace of pain. Jared presses the call button before Jensen can stop him. Jensen doesn’t want any more morphine, but can’t resist the puppy dog eyes.

As Jensen starts to fade, he tries again to persuade Jared to go home. It works as well as it did the first time. The hard line of Jared’s jaw is something new. “Not without you.”

Jensen gives it up as a lost cause. Not like he really wants Jared to leave anyway.

Jared is holding his hand as he drifts off to sleep.

≈≈≈≈≈≈

They’re walking into the house the next morning when Jared stops so suddenly Jensen bumps into him and almost falls. Only Jared’s quick reflexes save Jensen’s ass from hitting the floor. 

“Sorry.”

“What’s wrong?”

Jared shakes his head. _Don’t ask, man_.

So, Jensen doesn’t ask, even though he’s dying to know.

Sandy appears in the kitchen doorway and maybe it’s only his imagination, but Jensen thinks the temperature drops by ten degrees. Something is seriously off here and whatever it is he probably shouldn’t be around to see it. He takes a stumbling step towards the bedroom. “I should…”

Jared’s grip is firm on his elbow as he walks Jensen to the couch. “You should sit down before you fall down. That’s what you should do.” Jared’s right about the sitting down thing, but it doesn’t have to be in this room. Jensen moves to rise only to be stopped by Jared’s hand on his shoulder.

Sandy is watching them both. Jensen feels like a bug under a microscope or something she scraped off her shoe, but Jared hardly seems fazed.

“Where’s Chad?”

Sandy flushes. “He went to a hotel last night.”

“Good.”

Jensen has never heard Jared use that tone with Sandy before.

She raises her chin. “We need to talk.”

Jared nods. “Yeah. We do.”

Sandy turns on her heel and disappears back into the kitchen.

And _now_ he’s asking. “Jay? What’s going on?”

Jared squeezes his shoulder and manages to smile. “Nothing you need to worry about.”

That’s easier said that done. Especially since Jensen has a sneaking suspicion that he’s responsible for this ice age they all seem to be in the middle of. He might not be the only reason, but he’s definitely a factor.

“If this is about me being here…”

“Why would you think it’s about you?”

“I know she doesn’t like it when I…”

“When you…?”

“When I’m around when she’s around.” And honestly, that sentence made more sense in his head.

Jared sits down on the coffee table in front of Jensen and leans forward, elbows on his knees. “How about you try that again. In English this time.”

“She hardly ever gets to see you. I see you all the time. Even before – even before. So when she’s around, I should not be around, I guess?”

Jared’s eyes narrow. “Says who?”

Oh, shit. Here there be monsters. Jensen’s been keeping this from Jared for over two years and if he had his way, Jared would never know.

“Sandy said that? When exactly did this conversation take place?”

Jensen bites his bottom lip.

“Answer me, Jen.”

“About halfway through the first season. She came up with you after Christmas break.” _And saw through me right away_. “She asked me to make myself scarce whenever she was around.”

“And you said yes?”

“She’s your girlfriend, Jay.”

“You should have told me.”

“I knew it would upset you.”

“Damn straight, it upsets me.”

Jensen’s only defense is the truth. “I didn’t want to cause trouble. I didn’t want you to think you had to choose.” _I didn’t want to lose you_.

“I would _never_ \- .”

“I knew that. I mean I hoped, but…” Jensen closes his eyes to hide their shine. “I just wanted you to be happy.”

“I am going to be happy, Jen.” Jensen feels the soft brush of fingers through his hair as Jared stands. “Rest, okay? I’ll be right back.”

Soon, there’s the sound of murmuring from the kitchen. Jensen takes a page out of Dean Winchester’s book and starts humming Metallica. Whether he’s the reason Jared and Sandy are breaking up or not, he can’t listen to it happen.

Surprisingly, he dozes off and wakes a little later when the doorbell rings. He keeps his eyes closed as Sandy and Jared come through the room on their way to the front door. He hears their stilted goodbyes.

It’s over. 

Jensen’s not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad. On the one hand, it might mean there’s a chance for him and Jared. On the other, it might not be something Jared wants and Jensen desperately needs to never be the reason why Jared is unhappy.

He waits until Jared turns back toward the living room. “Something you want to tell me?”

Jared smiles and reaches out. “Not now, okay? I’ll tell you all about it later.”

He pulls Jensen up from the couch. He keeps pulling until there’s barely an inch of space between them.

Jensen ducks his head. “Tell me one thing now.”

Jared leans in. His breath is hot against Jensen’s ear as he whispers, “Anything.” 

Jensen can’t keep the tremor from his voice. “Tell me you’re okay.”

Then there's a wide palm is cupping Jensen’s jaw. Jared’s smile comes complete with dimples. “I’m okay, Jen.”

And Jensen wants very badly to believe him. 

So he does.

≈≈≈≈≈≈

Jared takes Jensen to the set, but makes him promise he’ll stay in his trailer and rest. He feels like a twelve year old who’s been grounded. He watches TV for a while, takes his meds and then settles into the recliner for his second nap of the day. He’s getting damn good at this napping thing. If it were an Olympic sport, he’d be a fucking gold medalist by now. 

When he wakes up, Jared is on the floor in front of him, attached like a barnacle to Jensen’s right leg. He’s resting his head on Jensen’s thigh, face turned toward the television.

Jensen reaches down and touches the soft fall of Jared’s hair. Jared makes a contented sound and Jensen lets his fingers sink deep. “What happened?”

Jared tenses. “I saw the tape.”

There’s only one tape Jared could be referring to and Jensen would have paid Kim good money to make sure Jared never saw it. “Oh.” He wants to say _sorry_ , he wants to say _baby_ , but he says neither. Jensen can’t imagine what it must have been like for Jared to see that.

“Why did you let him do that to you, Jen? It couldn’t have just been your pride.”

Jensen doesn’t want to talk about this. The reason won’t make Jared feel any better. But Jared wants to know, and it’s the least Jensen can do after everything he’s put him through. When he’s done with his explanation, Jared finally raises his head and rests his chin on Jensen’s knee.

“He used me to get to you.”

“I guess.”

“You can’t keep doing this, Jen. You can’t keep hurting yourself for my sake.”

Jensen wraps the truth in a joking tone. “Maybe I think you’re worth it.”

Jared’s next words lay everything bare. “Maybe you should find other ways to show me. Ever think of that?”

Jensen could act like he doesn’t know what Jared’s talking about, play it all off as another moment in their epic bromance, but what’s the point? He’s been in denial for years and it never makes anything better. He’s just pretends that it does. If he wants any kind of future with Jared, he’s going to have to take a chance.

He may not be ready to jump off the cliff, but he can walk up to the edge. He can give Jared that much. “Not now, Jay. Not yet.”

He watches Jared bite back the _why_ sitting on the tip of his tongue. Jared rolls his eyes and sighs gustily. “What am I going to do with you?”

“You’ll figure something out.”

≈≈≈≈≈≈

One good story deserves another, so on the way home from work Jensen pesters Jared until he spills about what happened with Sandy. 

“Sandy slept with Murray? How in the hell does that happen?”

Jared makes a lame joke and then admits some alcohol may have been involved.

Jensen snorts. “Yeah. There must have been.”

Jared laughs and it’s as free and easy as it’s always been. Jensen raises an eyebrow. “You’re taking it well.” _A little too well_.

Jared shrugs. “Long time coming.”

That’s news to Jensen. “Really? ‘Cause last I heard, you were going to marry the girl.” Jensen can’t keep the tinge of anger at bay, he just hopes like hell that Jared doesn’t hear it. He’d been absolutely gutted when Jared called from Paris. Pretending to be happy for them has taken every skill he has.

Jared shifts guiltily. “I was scared, man. The strike was going on. I thought we were going to lose the show. I wanted one thing in my life I could control.”

“So you proposed?”

“It seemed like the thing to do. The next step.”

“To the life you wanted.”

Jared’s on guard now. “The life I _thought_ I wanted.”

“Until yesterday.” Jensen’s pushing hard, but what else can he do? He has to be sure.

“Yes. _No_. Goddamnit, Jen. Don’t you do this. Don’t hold back just because you think you know what’s best for me.”

Jared’s right about Jensen holding back, but wrong about the reason. Yes, he always wants what’s best for Jared, but he’s not _that_ altruistic. He’s a selfish bastard who’s frightened out of his mind. Jared may be perfectly willing to jump out of the frying pan into the fire, but Jensen didn’t wait this long to ruin everything by moving too fast now.

“I didn’t say no, Jay. I said not yet.”

“I know what I want.” Jared sounds like a petulant child, which does nothing to ease Jensen’s mind.

“Then you’ll still want it tomorrow, won’t you?”

“This is a test?”

Just like that, Jensen runs out of patience. Jared has no fucking idea how hard this is. Jensen’s been carrying this torch for years and now everything he’s wanted is within his reach if they can just manage to get it right. He leans forward and grabs Jared by the shirt, ignoring the twinge in his chest as he pulls Jared close.

“Take it easy, Jen. Please.”

Jensen curls his hand tighter. “Listen to me. We do this, and we’re all in or we’re fucking up _everything_. Do you get that?”

A glimmer of what Jensen hopes is understanding flickers across Jared’s expression as he raises his hands and cups Jensen’s face in his palms. He leans in. One more millimeter and they’ll be kissing. “You’re not saying no.”

Jensen closes his eyes and feels the phantom brush of Jared’s lips. “I’m not saying no.”

“Then that’s good enough for now.”

≈≈≈≈≈≈

They spend the next couple of weeks dancing around the big pink elephant in the room. 

They know each other so well, but this new aspect to their relationship turns everything on its ear. Jensen’s not used to wanting a Jared that wants him back. It seems too good to be true and it makes him incredibly cautious. Jared keeps watching and waiting. To his credit, he never pressures Jensen.

It doesn’t really matter, though, because Jensen’s putting enough pressure on himself. He wants to say _fuck it_ , grab Jared and slam him up against the nearest wall, but he’s been holding back for so long now he’s not sure how to let it go. 

The first time Jared puts his hands on him with any real intent, Jensen is torn between jumping for joy and running like hell. They do this and there’s no going back to the way they were.

Jared is nuzzling his ear. “Just – let me okay? Just this.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure. I have never been so fucking sure of anything in my life. Would you just shut up and let me kiss you?

Jared is _laughing_. In a blinding flash of clarity, Jensen can suddenly see the fundamental difference between them. Jensen is thinking too much about everything they could lose, so what he’s feeling is fear. Jared is thinking about what they can _have_. And what he’s feeling is joy.

Jensen wants that feeling. He wants Jared.

_Fuck it_.

He leans in and presses his lips to Jared’s, surprising them both. Jared recovers quickly and takes control of the kiss, pulls Jensen in by the hips and just takes him over.

Jensen lets Jared take the lead and loves every minute of it. He has no sense of how long they stand there, learning each other kiss by kiss. When Jared moves until his back is against the wall and pulls Jensen closer, Jensen moans into his mouth. Everything’s moving both too fast and not fast enough. It feels like a dream.

The press of Jared’s hard cock against his own tumbles Jensen back to reality. _Too soon_. He pulls back, gasping for breath.

Jared’s head makes a slight clunk as it hits the wall. His frustration is evident. “What?”

Jensen flinches. He doesn’t mean to be a tease; he just wants this to be right. “We shouldn’t…”

“You have _got_ to be kidding me. What’s the problem, Jen? You aren’t a virgin. I’ve seen you in action plenty of times. I know you don’t have anything against getting off.”

Jared sounds like a high school jock getting cockblocked on prom night and it sends every one of Jensen’s walls back up. Is that what Jared thinks this is about? Is that all he wants?

If all Jared wants is to get off, then Jensen will get him off. No problem. He grabs Jared’s belt as he drops to his knees. Buckle, top snap, zipper. He’s reaching for the elastic of Jared’s briefs when Jared’s fingers are there, stopping him.

Jared’s color is high and he’s out of breath. “No.”

Jensen raises an eyebrow. “No?”

“No. Not like this.” Jared slides down the wall until they’re face to face.

Jensen can see Jared’s regret, but he’s not sure if it’s because of what he said or that anything happened in the first place.

He’s not sure it matters anymore.

He moves to stand, to leave, but Jared won’t let him. He grabs Jensen, tugging him onto his lap and wrapping him up in mile-long arms. “Wait. _Please_.”

Jensen knows all about waiting. But Jensen hasn’t been waiting for a hurried fuck in the kitchen. Jared should understand that by now.

And maybe he does, because his eyes are pleading with Jensen as he tries to explain. “I do want to have sex with you. I want us to do everything, but that’s not all I want from you. You have to know that. You have to know how I feel about you.”

Jensen tenses. Hoping and knowing are two different things.

Jared looks surprised and more than a little horrified. “You _don’t_ know. Jesus, Jensen. How can you not know? I went crazy when you got hurt. I was so fucking scared I was going to lose you. I still can’t stand to have you out of my sight for more than ten minutes at a time and you don’t know how I feel about you?”

“I know you care about me.”

“Care about you? Don’t be stupid, Jensen. I fucking lo - .”

Jensen covers Jared’s mouth before he can finish. He can’t hear that right now. Not feeling like he does. Not when he’s so full of doubt. 

“Don’t say it.”

“Why?” Jared sounds like he’s on the brink of tears.

Jensen feels like crying too. He tries to find words that will make Jared understand, but settles on the pathetic, ugly truth. “Because I can’t believe it.”

_Not yet_.

≈≈≈≈≈≈

It’s no surprise that Jensen can’t sleep. 

He’s sitting in the dark living room with Sadie curled up beside him when Jared comes out. He flops down on the couch, all arms and legs, and pushes Sadie gently away, dropping his feet onto Jensen’s lap.

“You’re going to have to talk to me sometime.”

And yeah, Jensen saw that one coming. He stays stubbornly silent, though.

Jared pokes him in the stomach with his big toe. “You _need_ to talk to me.”

“I really don’t.”

“Fine. I need you to talk to me.” 

Jared’s smug expression says _checkmate_. And that’s just fucking unfair. He knows Jensen has always sucked at telling him no. “Low blow, Padalecki.”

“Whatever works.” Jared waits expectantly then nudges Jensen again with his toe. “Spill.”

As much as Jensen hates the idea, he knows that Jared’s right. They have to get this out of the way to move forward. “What do you want to know?”

Jared’s first question comes slowly, but hits hard. “Why can’t you believe I love you?”

Jensen sucks in a breath. “Wow. Start with the easy one why don’t you.”

“You say you know I care about you. Why can’t I love you?”

The first answer that pops to mind is _because I want you to and I never get what I want_ , but Jensen knows it’s more complicated than that. It’s not even that he can’t believe Jared loves him, it’s that he’s not sure Jared will love him _enough_. 

“You won’t like this.”

“Yeah. Pretty much already know that, Jen. Tell me anyway.”

“You’re an enthusiastic guy.”

“So?”

“So, you love everything. You love your family and your friends and your job. You love your dogs and the Spurs and gummi worms. You love imported beer and pepperoni on you pizza. You love – loved Sandy. I know you love me, Jay. I’m just not sure it’s the same way I…”

Jensen isn’t prepared for how his words seem to hurt Jared, how Jared pulls away and draws in on himself. “You really I’m that shallow?”

God, no. “That’s not what I’m saying.”

“What _are_ you saying? You have to make me understand, Jensen. I know this is hard for you. I know you hate feeling vulnerable. But you’ve got to explain this to me, because as well as I know you, I can’t read your fucking mind.”

The pain in Jared’s voice rips into Jensen. It’s the last thing he intended. 

“I don’t think you’re shallow. You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met.” If Jared doesn’t believe anything else Jensen says, he _has_ to believe that.

“But?”

“You lead with your heart, Jay. You don’t always think things through.”

Jared leans toward Jensen, all confusion gone. “You think I’ll change my mind.”

“I think there are a hundred different things that could blow this clear apart and I’d bet all the cash in my wallet that none of them have occurred to you.”

“Like what?”

Like what? Jensen has a fucking list. If they go over everything on it, they’ll be here all night. He focuses on the two that worry him the most – family and career.

Jared may think the Padalecki clan will just take their relationship in stride, but Jensen knows for a fact there’s one Padalecki who won’t. Just like with Sandy, Jensen has no desire to force Jared to choose. And not because he’s afraid of the outcome. Even if Jared chooses Jensen, he’ll still be hurt.

The career issue is more straightforward. Jared has always had higher aspirations than Jensen. It’s next to impossible for ambition and ambivalence to co-exist. Jensen just wants to act; Jared wants to be a star. The cold, hard truth is that there are no “out” leading men in Hollywood. Jensen doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life in the closet, hiding who he is and who he loves. He knows that kind of life would make Jared miserable, too.

Jared looks shell-shocked when Jensen finishes laying it all out. Jensen understands why. It’s one thing to know what you want. It’s another to know what it’s going to cost you to get it.

“Look, Jared. I know I’m not being fair, but you have to be positive that this is what you really want. Because I can’t just fuck around with you and I’m not sure you’re ready for anything else.”

Jared’s eyes go soft. “How long have you been in love with me, Jen?”

Jensen can’t help it, he laughs. “Arrogant much?”

“Jensen.”

There’s no point in denying here. “Awhile.”

“What does that mean?”

“I was happy just being your friend. If we screw this up, I won’t even have that anymore. I can be your friend or I can be more, but I can’t lose you. Maybe that makes me an asshole. It definitely makes me a coward, but…”

Jensen’s voice cracks along with his very last wall, because that right there is at the heart of every single fear. He _cannot_ lose Jared. It feels like he’s in pieces, but Jared is gathering him up and pulling him into his chest. Jared is putting him back together again.

Jensen hides his face. “Jared.”

“Shhh. It’s my turn now, okay? You’re right. I haven’t thought about any of that stuff. I’ve been too busy thinking about you. But I know how I feel, Jen. I’ll give you the time you need, the time you think I need. We can take on your little checklist item by item, but I’m not going to change my mind. We’re going to be fine, Jen. I swear to God, we are.”

Jared sounds so sure. Jensen smiles and lets himself hope. And for the first time, hope feels like a promise instead of a risk.

≈≈≈≈≈≈

It takes Jared totally losing his shit when they film _No Rest for the Wicked_ to make Jensen realize how much of an asshole he’s been, how selfish his fear has made him. All these months, he’s been running around trying to find ways to keep Jared out. He’s been so intent on protecting himself that he never saw Jared struggling, never saw how much Jared needed him. He’s going to be regretting that for a very long time to come.

≈≈≈≈≈≈

Dean Winchester dies bloody on a hardwood floor. They get it in one take because Kim is a genius and Katie brings her A-game and Jared is just fucking phenomenal. All Jensen has to do is fall and groan, let the rig do its work and try not to blink.

Jared has to re-live his worst nightmare all over again.

Kim calls “cut”. The second the word “print” is out of his mouth, Jensen is scrambling to his feet, pulling Jared up with him. Only Jared seems to have left the building. He’s staring blankly into space and it’s scaring the shit out of Jensen.

He grabs Jared by the arm. “Are you okay? Say something, Jared. _Are you okay_?”

Jared shakes his head a little and then he’s back, thank God. “Did we get it?”

“Hell, yes, we got it.”

Kim and Katie come over and there are congratulations all around. Jensen keeps a worried eye on Jared who still looks halfway catatonic.

Katie gives Jared a hug, but balks when she gets to Jensen. “No offense, dude. But you’re a mess.”

He looks down at the fake blood covering every inch of him and has to agree. When he raises his eyes, Jensen sees Jared staring fixedly at his chest. Jared reaches out and lays his trembling hand over Jensen’s heart. Jared is biting his lip and blinking like he’s about to cry and Jensen falls all over again.

He covers Jared’s hand with his own. “I’m all right, Jay. I’m right here.”

Jared nods and for a minute, Jensen thinks he’s okay, until suddenly he’s going green around the edges and bolting from the room. Jensen moves to follow, but when he catches his reflection in the glass door, he changes his mind and heads for his trailer instead.

Once there, he yanks off the amulet, strips off Dean’s clothes and climbs into the shower to wash away Dean’s tragic fate. And everything it’s a reminder of. He doesn’t bother to fully dry off before he’s haphazardly throwing on his own clothes and rushing to Jared.

Jared is in his trailer, sitting on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands. Jensen brushes by Kim in the bedroom doorway and heads straight for Jared. He vaguely registers the sound of the front door opening and closing, as Jared grabs onto his hips and pulls him close.

Jensen takes Jared’s face in his hands. “You scared the shit out of me.”

Jared is gathering the fabric of Jensen’s t-shirt and twisting it up. “You changed. Thank you.”

“ _Jared_.”

Sometimes men don’t talk because they don’t want to. Sometimes they can’t find the words. But sometimes – sometimes they don’t need to. Jensen holds Jared’s jaw in an iron grip and bends to take his mouth. He tries to pour everything he’s feeling, everything Jared means to him into a single kiss.

He pulls away slowly and brushes a tear from Jared’s cheekbone with his thumb. “I’m so sorry, Jay.”

Jared is leaning into Jensen’s touch. “Why?”

“All this time, you’ve been taking such good care of me. Who’s been taking care of you?”

“You have.”

Jensen shakes his head. If he has, he’s done a piss-poor job of it. Jensen finally understands. It’s not about prop guns or tennis shoes. It’s not even about loving Jared. It’s about letting Jared love him.

“I should have believed you. I wanted to, Jay. I just…”

“Jensen.”

“I knew how I felt. I knew what I wanted. I just didn’t think I could ever have it, you know? I didn’t think that you could ever feel the same.”

Jared’s hands tighten on his hips. “Now you know better.”

It feels like the weight of the world’s been lifted from his shoulders. “Yeah. Now I do.”

Jared’s smile is blinding as he moves back on the bed, bringing Jensen with him. One deep kiss, followed by another and Jared is sliding his mouth along the cut of Jensen’s jaw, right up to the shell of his ear.

“I. _Love_. You.”

Jensen’s entire body shudders and he whimpers Jared’s name.

“You can say it, Jen.” Jared nips his earlobe. “Say it.”

Jensen knows there are no guarantees. They could lose each other a hundred different ways, for a hundred different reasons. But it won’t be today. And it won’t be because Jensen is too afraid to try.

Jensen sighs. 

“I love you, too.”

 

_END_


End file.
